An Update

Hi guys. As you all may or may not have noticed Jenn and I have yet again been absent. There's a reason for this. And it's going to once again be something very difficult for me to talk about and even for some of you to read.

So I guess I'm just going to jump in. So just a TW this deals with angel babies. I will post once I'm done talking about it in case you don't want to read about it but maybe want to know what else has been going on.

As most of you know I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. Henry Oliver. On July 10th, 2019 I found out that once again my baby boy had no heartbeat. 
This is my second loss in the last year, it was within 7 months of each other. I was once again 15 weeks when he passed. We still don't know why. We probably won't ever know why. We had some testing done but as far as we can tell nothing is wrong, it's more than likely something wrong within me. Something that we just won't be able to see.

Here's a better explanation of what happened.
July 5th I went in to my regular OB and there was a heartbeat. I was feeling my little Henry moving all over the place. Everything was perfect. Because I had lost Greyson at 15 weeks the specialist I was seeing wanted me to come in at 15 weeks as well to make sure everything was okay.
July 9th, the day before my appointment with the specialist I found his heartbeat on the doppler. It was my first time finding it on there. It was a strong 160- something. I was so excited that I finally found it. That next morning I was getting ready for my appointment and he was once again just kicking away. I went to my appointment nervous, no clue why, because I had just felt him and heard his heartbeat the night before. 
My mom went with me and she had to use the restroom before the ultrasound, so the ultrasound tech got me all ready and started doing her thing. She went right to measuring his head, which I didn't even notice at first. My mom came in and said did she already find the heartbeat? I said no but there is one. And the ultrasound tech was quiet. I looked at her and said there is a heartbeat right?! And again I had to hear those words that no parent ever wants to hear... I'm sorry there's not heartbeat. I remember I asked if she was joking. Because that's definitely something you joke about. 
I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy on July 12th, 2019. He was perfect. He looked like me. Round cheeks, he was even smiling. We were lucky and a professional photographer came in and took photos of us. Finn got to meet his baby brother and hold him. 

My heart is completely shattered. I don't know how to function anymore. I'm doing my best but it hurts. Everything hurts. I don't know how to live. I'm doing the best I can, for my family, and for Finn. But I'm depressed more times than not. All I want to do is sleep. I don't watch movies, read, do my makeup, or any of the things I used to love doing.
I have gotten better and actually dressed up for Halloween (October was hard because a year ago we found out and announced we were pregnant in October)
I have been reading, watching movies, and hanging out with people again. I want to do my makeup more, but I'll get to that eventually.

*END*

Okay if you read that then thank you for reading. If you didn't, well I completely understand. It's a hard story to read. 

I would really like to post some photos we took, but I don't want to trigger anyone. Should I?

We also in the last few months lost a very good friend of ours, to a drunk driver. The driver hit his motorcycle and left him without telling anyone. He held on for a month and passed on Finn's birthday.

My great grampa (Jenn's grampa) also passed away this last week (Maybe two weeks, my days are all mixed up) Jenn will be able to go to the funeral, but unfortunately it's in Michigan (We're in Texas) and neither John nor I will get to go. He was battling with lung cancer and was in a lot of pain. I'm glad he isn't in pain anymore, but my heart can't possibly handle anymore sadness or grief. I feel like I'm going to fall apart.

Okay on to the positive news Finn is officially a Tiger scout and he's adorable in his uniform. He sold $2700 worth of popcorn! If he got to $2,500 then 6% of his sales, for the rest of his scout career, will go to a college fund. And we did it!

He also went on his first camping trip, it was a spook-a-ree! (I probably spelled that all wrong) And he had lots of fun.

Finn is having a really hard time in school because of his ADD. We changed his diet, sleeping schedule, TV time, and make sure he's using his essential oils and BAM he's doing better. We're still working on it but hey. It's a big step up.

Jenn and my dad (Feels weird typing Michael) went to Florida for a big gaming retreat and they seemed to have lots of fun.

Finn had his first Halloween party! Lots of kids came and he had so much fun.

I have also started making (and selling) keepsakes and awareness jewelry for just about everything. I make mini glitter bottles, keychains, babies (Made out of clay, lol), charm bracelets, essential oil diffusing bracelets, beaded bracelets, necklaces, earrings.

I have made them for all kinds of cancers, suicide awareness, mental health, infant loss, autism awareness and can make them for just about anything else.

Here's a few things I've made, to see more you can go to LittleBearLittleFox

We also went to a Day of the Dead festival, it was Finn's first one and he loved it.

And here are some bonus Halloween pictures. It was our first year trick or treating with friends instead of by ourselves and we had a lot of fun. Finn and I were both foxes and John was a werewolf.

I guess that's really all the updates. Whenever Jenn is up for it we will do a weekly wrap up and I think we're going to work on reviews and such and hopefully be posting again. We both love blogging, but once something like this happens it's so hard to jump back in.

So for now this is what I'm going to post. I just wanted y'all to know we didn't abandon you and we still love you.

Jenn:

As Ash has talked about this has been a very hard year for us. The hardest I have ever had, and I have gone through a lot of pain in my past. I am one that can usually find strength and peace, but this time around I am struggling with both. We have been gone because it has been hard on our family and we have lost much to do the things we used to love doing, like reading and blogging. But, I think we are ready, at least we are going to try. It will be slow at first and I hope that there are still many of our friends out there that will still be hanging on with us. We both love the community and hope to start chatting it up and sharing experiences with you guys again. We do apologize for the absence, we just didn’t have the energy to post until now.

I am having a very hard time reading so I am going to start up with some re-reads and series I have been enjoying. I hope the love of reading comes back, and I think its going to take some really awesome reads to do so. I have no clue what is out there since I haven’t kept up on anything so any suggestions…. Let them fly.  Let me in on all those recently released groovy books!

I am hoping to get into the holiday spirit. It will be hard this year but…. We do have little Finn and he deserves nothing but the best. SO I am forcing myself into the spirit (first time I have ever had to say that) and gonna kick some Christmas butt. Pictures to come of all the holiday decor….Once I get it out.

This year will be the first year we are having Thanksgiving at our house with just us in charge. More of a friendsgiving. SO pictures of that will come too. Any great recipes… lets have them.

I would love to hear so fun and great times everyone else is having. So let’s chat. I  have missed y’all!